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How Long to Get Over a Breakup?

How Long to Get Over a Breakup?

Some people have a breakup and are able to get over their ex and move on with relative ease. However, some, like myself, may have trouble getting over a breakup and not just for months. For some people  it might take years or in the worse case scenarios, never.

So what is the main reason that some get over their ex and can get over a breakup faster than others?

Here are a few reasons on the Psychology of Breakups: Why Some Take Longer to Heal

Breakups are a universal human experience, yet the way people cope with them can vary dramatically. Some individuals seem to bounce back quickly, while others linger in emotional turmoil for an extended period. The reasons behind these disparities are complex and multifaceted, involving psychological, social, and personal factors. In this exploration, we will delve into why some people take longer to get over a breakup than others, shedding light on the intricacies of the human heart and mind.

1. Attachment Styles

One of the most significant factors influencing how individuals cope with breakups is their attachment style. Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, posits that our early childhood experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which, in turn, impact our adult relationships.

a. Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment styles generally fare better after breakups. They have a healthy sense of self-worth and believe in the availability of supportive relationships. Consequently, they are more likely to seek out and maintain healthy support networks during tough times, which accelerates their healing process.

b. Anxious Attachment: Individuals with anxious attachment styles tend to cling to their partners and fear abandonment. After a breakup, they often struggle with intense feelings of loss and abandonment, leading to a longer recovery period. They may engage in excessive rumination and seek constant reassurance, prolonging their healing journey.

c. Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment styles are often emotionally self-reliant and tend to minimize the importance of emotional connections. While they might appear to recover quickly, their detachment can mask underlying emotional turmoil, leading to delayed healing. They may find it challenging to open up to others and process their emotions.

2. Emotional Resilience

Emotional resilience plays a crucial role in determining how quickly someone recovers from a breakup. Individuals with higher emotional resilience can adapt to stress and adversity more effectively. They are better equipped to regulate their emotions, seek support when needed, and maintain a positive outlook.

a. Coping Strategies: Resilient individuals are more likely to employ adaptive coping strategies, such as seeking professional help, engaging in physical activity, or practicing mindfulness. These strategies promote emotional healing and shorten the recovery period.

b. Support Networks: Resilient people tend to have robust support networks, which provide emotional, social, and practical support during a breakup. These connections act as a buffer against emotional distress and speed up the healing process.

3. Duration and Intensity of the Relationship

The length and intensity of a relationship can significantly impact the time it takes to heal after a breakup. Longer, more intense relationships often involve a deeper emotional investment, making it harder to disentangle from the memories, routines, and shared experiences.

a. Grieving the Relationship: Ending a long-term relationship can be akin to grieving a loved one's death. The process involves not only mourning the loss of the person but also the loss of the future envisioned together. This complex grief can extend the healing timeline.

b. Shared Lives: In some cases, couples may share not only emotional but also practical aspects of their lives, such as living together, joint finances, or raising children. These entanglements require more time and effort to navigate, slowing down the recovery process.

4. Personal Growth and Self-Reflection

Breakups can be a catalyst for personal growth and self-reflection, which can impact the duration of the healing process.

a. Learning and Growth: Some individuals view breakups as opportunities to learn from their past relationships and grow as individuals. They invest time in self-improvement, setting the stage for a quicker recovery as they develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their needs.

b. Avoiding Self-Reflection: Others may choose to avoid self-reflection and emotional processing. They may rush into rebound relationships or distract themselves with external stimuli, which can delay healing as underlying issues remain unaddressed.

5. Unresolved Emotions and Closure

Unresolved emotions and the lack of closure from a breakup can significantly extend the healing period. Closure can be elusive, especially when one party feels wronged or misunderstood.

a. Unfinished Business: When there are lingering questions, unspoken feelings, or unresolved conflicts, individuals may struggle to move on. They may find themselves revisiting these issues repeatedly, impeding the healing process.

b. Closure Rituals: Engaging in closure rituals, such as writing a letter to an ex-partner (even if it's never sent), can help individuals process their emotions and gain a sense of closure. These rituals facilitate emotional release and acceptance, expediting healing. One resource that has helped thousands of people, including Vietnam veterans and people that have witnessed trauma (Parkland shooting in Florida), is a special protocol that rewrites emotional memories.  To learn more about this and hear an audio book sample, check out 'How to Get Over Your Ex in 5 Hours' for more details on how this brain mechanism works for updating problem memories.

6. Cultural and Social Influences

Cultural and social factors can also influence how people cope with breakups. Cultural norms and societal expectations regarding relationships and emotional expression can shape individuals' responses to heartbreak.

a. Stigma Around Vulnerability: In cultures that stigmatize vulnerability and emotional expression, individuals may struggle to process their emotions openly. This can lead to delayed healing, as they feel compelled to maintain a façade of strength.

b. Support Systems: Social support systems, including friends, family, and community, vary from one culture to another. Strong support systems can provide the necessary emotional scaffolding to help individuals recover more quickly.

Conclusion

The duration of time it takes to get over a breakup is a deeply personal and multifaceted experience. While some individuals may heal relatively quickly, others may grapple with emotional turmoil for an extended period. Factors such as attachment styles, emotional resilience, the nature of the relationship, personal growth, unresolved emotions, and cultural influences all play a role in shaping the healing process.

Understanding these factors can help individuals navigate their own breakup journeys with greater self-awareness and compassion. It's essential to remember that there is no universal timeline for healing, and each person's path is unique. With time, self-care, and the support of others, most people eventually find their way to emotional recovery and renewed hope for the future.

Why Do I Still Think About My Ex After 10 Years?

Why Do I Still Think About My Ex After 10 Years?

Once a breakup is done, that should be the end of the relationship, but if that's the case, why do you still think about your ex after ten years?

We've all done the 'no contact' and removed all the reminders and did some writing in the gratitude journal.

But it's been years since the breakup and you still are finding yourself thinking about your ex.

So what's this about?
Your ex was a wonderful resource for companionship, sex, conversation, etc.
Sometimes we still want/need some of that stuff.
In those moments, the brain looks through it's memory banks for info related to those resources.

Yes there is Tinder, Bumble, Match...but those are new people and we have no history with them.
Your brain wants what it already knows can work.
And that leads to your ex and so your brain plucks out those memories and evokes them to push you towards them and whatever they were good for.
But, of course your ex was problematic. That's why they are an ex.

However, they still have some good bits and it is those good bits of memories that are nudging your brain towards thoughts of your ex.  They were handy for so many things and some were on a deep emotional level that are still somewhat impactful. This is like tossing bread crumbs in the yard in the hopes birds would come.
Once they learn that the yard sometimes has food, they keep coming back.

Just like thoughts of your ex. Your brain saw your ex as a resource and thoughts of them keep coming back because apparently there is still some breadcrumbs of nourishment available, and as tainted as those bits were, they might be a lot better than the alternatives.

This is a survival mechanism to make sure you know where to go for the stuff you need. Sort of like how hunger triggers us to get into action. Being hungry for lovey times can trigger memories of your ex.

The problem is that the ex is no longer a resource, but your brain hasn't got the memo...yet.

So what can be done to reprogram your mind in such a way that your ex is categorized in the 'useless' or 'non-resource' or 'avoid at all costs' category?
That requires a shift in the memory.

Without that change in the memory structure related to your ex and the value your brain has attributed to them, things stay the same. And for some, years. Others, perhaps never.

Memories do change and this is a fantastic evolutionary mechanism to take advantage of.

What is this mechanism exactly?
It is called 'memory reconsolidation' and this is a recent discovery for updating memories in a particular way.
The application of this mechanism is highly therapeutic for treating people that have PTSD flashbacks. If you haven't seen the television news footage below about the veterans that updated their memories, the summary is that the veterans would have problems about intrusive thoughts of an emotionally significant event, (much like you occasionally have pop up thoughts of your ex) and that they were cleared of those problem memories using a step by step protocol.
This brain process for changing memories is likely what would help these people asking questions about how to forget your ex after many years.

What are the best strategies to forget your ex?

To answer this it's probably a good idea to see what has worked for others and then copy their strategy.

Strategies are great because they are like a blueprint of what works.

A strategy is a particular area of modeling in which you are specifically looking for a mental map that was used by the individual whom you are modeling in order to orchestrate or organize his/her activities to accomplish effective results - Robert Dilts - Strategies of Genius.

One of the best strategies for changing memories is the Reconsolidation of Traumatic Memories protocol. 

In this T.V. clip, Dr Frank Burke and Dr Denise Budden-Potts talk about how this strategy has been used on hundreds of civilians to help them forget painful memories from 9/11, and this is with a 95% success rate and all without using any medication. Now the protocol is being used on women veterans with a similar success rate.

What are they doing and can you do it on your own?

It's a skill and like anything else, it would take some training, practice, education.  

 

Dr. Frank Bourke charges $1,999 to train this skill to Ukrainian therapists. Once they learn the protocol and how it works, those therapists can help those with recurring memories of emotional events. My guess is that you just want to know enough to finally decouple the feelings you have from that past relationship and would also benefit from . If that's the case, you can speed learn this in my book about how to use these techniques to forget your ex for good.  This is the same strategy Vietnam veterans have been put through with the help of Dr. Frank Bourke to able to get over horrific traumatic memories.

Once you learn this skill, you can apply it to other problem memories and flashbacks. Also, you can apply this same strategy on traumatic events that haven't happened yet. For instance, if in the future, you encounter something worth forgetting, you can use this same strategy to greatly reduce it's potency.

To get over your ex for good and significantly speed up the process, you might to check out this crash course on how to reconsolidate memories of your ex by using a variation of the strategies on T.V.

'How to Get Over Your Ex in 5 Hours.'


How a Breakup Can Effect Mental Health and How Hypnosis Can Help

How a Breakup Can Effect Mental Health and How Hypnosis Can Help

The breakup of a romantic relationship can be seen as an emotionally upsetting event that can lead to multiple symptoms related to sadness, grief and depression and can also result in an increased risk of developing a depressive episode or takotsubo cardiomyopathy (broken heart syndrome) which is a type of heart attack by emotional duress such as a sudden illness, the loss of a loved one, a serious accident, or a natural disaster [1,2,3,4,5].

For example, in a university student sample, severe breakup distress was measured with a questionnaire concerning symptoms of grief, accompanied by feelings of betrayal and rejection, depression symptoms, anxiety symptoms, intrusive thoughts about the ex-partner and sleep disturbances.  The elapsed time since the breakup, self-reported quality of the former relationship, feelings of betrayal and depression scores especially predicted the severity of breakup distress [1]. Additionally, women reported higher breakup distress scores compared to men in that study [1].

In a study of Stoessel et al. [2], all of the subjects with a relationship breakup in the preceding six months and experiencing feelings of sadness about the breakup reported symptoms corresponding to clinical depression.

A study published on the American Journal of Psychiatry had shown that women with a breakup in the preceding four months, found high levels of complicated grief (extreme symptoms of grief interfering with daily life functioning) present in four of the eight subjects. In addition, a different brain pattern (increased activity in posterior regions such as the cerebellum and decreased activity in anterior regions such as the insula and temporal cortex) was found in these women when ruminating about their ex-partner in comparison with thinking about an acquaintance in a neutral manner[3].

It can be challenging to move on, but there are a few ways that hypnosis can help and save you some recovery time.

One way that works with hypnosis to get over a breakup is by helping to reduce the emotional pain associated with the breakup. When we experience emotional pain, it can feel like a physical wound that needs to be healed. Unfortunately, the emotional pain of a breakup does not always go away on its own, and it can linger for a long time, making it difficult to move on. Through hypnosis, it is possible to access the subconscious mind and modify the negative thought patterns or beliefs that may be causing this emotional pain to persist beyond a healthy range.

For example, if you are struggling with feelings of worthlessness or self-doubt after a breakup, hypnosis may be able to help you reframe these thoughts and beliefs in a more positive and empowering way. By accessing the subconscious mind, hypnosis can help to change the way you think about yourself and your worth, which can ultimately help to reduce the emotional pain associated with the breakup.

Another way that hypnosis can help with getting over a breakup is by helping to reduce cravings for the ex-partner. It is common to have thoughts or cravings for an ex-partner after a breakup, and these cravings can make it difficult to move on. These cravings may be driven by a variety of factors, including feelings of attachment, loneliness, or a desire for closure. Hypnosis may be able to help you reduce these cravings by accessing the subconscious mind for the purpose of modifying the associations and behaviors that are driving these addictive-like drives..

For example, if you find yourself constantly thinking about your ex-partner or longing for their presence, hypnosis may be able to help you break these thought patterns and create new, healthier associations. This can involve identifying and reframing negative beliefs about the breakup or about yourself, as well as finding new ways to cope with feelings of loneliness or attachment.

In addition to these specific benefits, hypnosis can also help to reduce stress and promote relaxation, which can be helpful in the aftermath of a breakup. Breakups can be emotionally and physically draining, and it is important to take care of yourself and find ways to relax and recharge. Hypnosis can be a useful tool for helping you to relax and release tension, as it involves inducing a state of deep relaxation and focusing the mind on positive thoughts and imagery.

When you are feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained, hypnosis can be a helpful way to take a break and refocus your energy. By entering into a state of hypnosis, you can allow yourself to let go of stress and focus on feelings of calm and relaxation, which can ultimately help to reduce the emotional impact of the breakup.

It's important to note that hypnosis is not a magical solution, and it may not work for everyone. It is also not a substitute for seeking professional help. If you are struggling with severe emotional distress or other mental health issues related to the breakup, consider an online therapist to get over your ex.  However, for some people, hypnosis can be a helpful tool for getting over a breakup and moving on with their lives.

If you are interested in using hypnosis to help you get over a breakup, it is important to find a qualified hypnotherapist who has experience working with issues related to relationships and breakups. A good hypnotherapist will be able to tailor the hypnosis session to your specific needs and goals, and will work with you to develop a plan for moving forward. If you are interested in using multiple modalities to get over a breakup fast, visit our course on how to get over your ex in 5 Hours.

References

1. Field T, Diego M, Pelaez M, Deeds O, Delgado J. Breakup distress in university students. Adolescence. 2009;44: 705–27.

2. Stoessel C, Stiller J, Bleich S, Boensch D, Doerfler A, Garcia M, et al. Differences and similarities on neuronal activities of people being happily and unhappily in love: a functional magnetic resonance imaging study. Neuropsychobiology. 2011;64: 52–60. 10.1159/000325076

3. Najib A, Lorberbaum JP, Kose S, Bohning DE, George MS. Regional brain activity in women grieving a romantic relationship breakup. Am J Psychiatry. 2004;161: 2245–56. 10.1176/appi.ajp.161.12.2245

4. Monroe SM, Rohde P, Seeley JR, Lewinsohn PM. Life events and depression in adolescence: relationship loss as a prospective risk factor for first onset of major depressive disorder. Abnorm Psychol. 1999;108: 606–14

5. https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/takotsubo-cardiomyopathy-broken-heart-syndrome

Memory Reconsolidation to Reprogram Emotional Memories

Memory Reconsolidation to Reprogram Emotional Memories

Rewriting Emotional Memories: The Science of Memory Reconsolidation

Memory is an integral part of our lives, shaping our perceptions, behaviors, and emotional responses. While many memories fade with time, others, particularly emotional ones, can linger and impact our well-being. But what if we could rewrite these memories to alleviate emotional distress and promote psychological healing? This is where the intriguing concept of memory reconsolidation comes into play. In this article, we will explore the science behind memory reconsolidation and its potential to transform our emotional experiences. We will also delve into the groundbreaking research by Dr. Daniela Schiller, whose seminal work has significantly advanced our understanding of memory reconsolidation.

Understanding Memory Reconsolidation

Memory reconsolidation is a relatively recent discovery in the field of psychology and neuroscience. It challenges the traditional view that once a memory is formed, it remains static and unchangeable. Instead, memory reconsolidation suggests that memories can be updated and altered when they are retrieved and then re-stored. This process opens up exciting possibilities for reshaping our emotional experiences.

The Process of Memory Reconsolidation

Memory reconsolidation occurs in several steps:

1. Memory Retrieval: When we recall a memory, it becomes temporarily malleable. This retrieval can be spontaneous or intentional.

2. Destabilization: Once retrieved, the memory enters a brief state of instability, making it susceptible to modification.

3. Memory Updating: During this phase, new information or experiences can be integrated into the existing memory, potentially changing its emotional charge or meaning.

4. Memory Re-stabilization: After the memory is updated, it is reconsolidated or re-stored. This new version of the memory may differ from the original.

Applications of Memory Reconsolidation

1. Treating Trauma and PTSD: Memory reconsolidation offers hope for individuals suffering from trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). By carefully guiding the reconsolidation process in a therapeutic setting, traumatic memories can be rewritten, reducing their emotional impact and associated symptoms. This has worked exceptionally well with Vietnam veterans (male and female).

2. Overcoming Phobias: Phobias are often rooted in powerful emotional memories. Through controlled exposure and memory reconsolidation techniques, individuals can gradually rewrite these memories and conquer their phobias.

3. Managing Anxiety and Depression: Emotional memories can contribute to anxiety and depression. Therapeutic interventions that harness memory reconsolidation may help individuals reinterpret negative memories, leading to improved mental health.

4. Breaking Addictions: Addictive behaviors are often driven by the rewarding memories associated with substance use. Memory reconsolidation can be employed to weaken the allure of these memories, aiding in addiction recovery.

Daniela Schiller's Seminal Research

Dr. Daniela Schiller, a renowned neuroscientist and psychologist, has made significant contributions to our understanding of memory reconsolidation. Her seminal paper, "Preventing the Return of Fear in Humans Using Reconsolidation Update Mechanisms," published in the journal Nature in 2010, is a landmark study in the field.

Reconsolidation is an adaptive update mechanism by which new information is incorporated into old memories. In the context of fear, reconsolidation refers to the process by which a previously learned fear memory is retrieved and then updated with new information. This process can be targeted to alter fear memories and prevent the return of fear and help people get over bad memories which can help them get over a breakup faster.

How is this research being applied in real-world settings, such as therapy for individuals with anxiety disorders/phobias/PTSD?

Schiller's work has demonstrated that memory reconsolidation can be intentionally triggered and manipulated, offering new avenues for the treatment of various psychological conditions. Her research has opened doors to the development of innovative therapeutic techniques aimed at rewriting emotional memories.

The research suggests that targeting reconsolidation as an update mechanism can provide a safe and easily implemented way to prevent the return of fear. Specifically, the research proposes that incorporating neutral or more positive information during the retrieval of an old fear memory may be possible to permanently modify the fearful properties of this memory. This approach has significant implications for the treatment of anxiety disorders, which rely heavily on extinction which fails multiple ways e.g. reinstatement. By using a more natural intervention that captures the adaptive purpose of reconsolidation, it may be possible to develop new therapies that are more effective and resilient in treating anxiety disorders.

Practical Applications and Therapeutic Techniques

1. Exposure Therapy: This widely used therapeutic approach involves gradually exposing individuals to their fear or trauma-related stimuli in a controlled and safe environment. During this exposure, therapists can guide the reconsolidation process, helping patients update their emotional responses. NOT EXTINCTION. Extinction and reconsolidation are different on many levels.

2. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT techniques can be integrated with memory reconsolidation principles to challenge and reframe negative thought patterns associated with emotional memories.

3. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is a therapeutic approach that incorporates bilateral stimulation to assist in the reprocessing of traumatic memories, making them less distressing.

4. Pharmacological Interventions: Some medications have shown promise in facilitating memory reconsolidation. These include drugs that influence the levels of neurotransmitters involved in memory processes. e.g. Propanol is a protein synthesis inhibitor which prevents the formation of new memories and allows fearful memories to be activated without the fear response.

Ethical Considerations and Future Directions

While the potential of memory reconsolidation for therapeutic purposes is exciting, it raises ethical questions. Manipulating memories, even for therapeutic reasons, poses complex moral dilemmas. Additionally, further research is needed to fully understand the mechanisms and limitations of memory reconsolidation.

Conclusion

The concept of memory reconsolidation challenges our conventional understanding of memory as fixed and unalterable. Dr. Daniela Schiller's groundbreaking research has shed light on the malleability of emotional memories and their potential for transformation. As science continues to unravel the intricacies of memory reconsolidation, it holds the promise of offering new hope and healing for individuals grappling with the emotional burdens of trauma, phobias, anxiety, and addiction. While ethical concerns and complexities remain, the prospect of rewriting emotional memories presents an exciting frontier in the fields of psychology and neuroscience, offering the potential for profound personal transformation and improved mental health.

Daniela Schiller, Associate Professor, Mount Sinai Hospital on groundbreaking research on memory and the brain mechanism to erase traumatic memories.

The study she did along with Joseph LeDoux is published on the U.S. National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health.


Preventing the Return of Fear in Humans Using Reconsolidation Update Mechanisms.

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